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#107367 - 08/13/08 04:04 PM
Need opinions; AA anyone?
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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My mom emailed me earlier today. She is at her "wits end" dealing with my stepdad's alcoholism. She is pretty sure he is drinking rum again, which was his drink of choice when sneaking it before. He also likes wine a lot. Anyway, she's threatening divorce if he doesn't get some help. Has anybody out there in MTChatland ever had a family member that needed help or were you ever in a similar situation, whether it be alcohol, pot, or Rx abuse or any other substance? I told my mom that I think he needed rehab. I wasn't sure what else to offer except that and AA meetings. Any suggestions? How did you approach it with your addicted loved one? Any help would be appreciated. I really don't want to see my mom end this marriage in divorce, but she has already threatened him with that. What a pickle. Sheesh!
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107370 - 08/13/08 04:10 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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tropsicleAfter
Member
Registered: 10/30/06
Posts: 2725
Loc: Vicksburg, MS
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BF, I have some experience with an addicted loved one.
HE has to want to quit for rehab or AA or any other intervention to be effective, and even then that commitment has to remain in force for the rest of his life.
SHE does need to realize that she cannot change him. She can only control her own actions. If she is codependent, they will continue in this cycle forever. She should draw a line in the sand and tell him that if he continues to drink she will divorce him. She MUST be willing to enforce what she says. If she continues to give second chances, no change will occur. Any other course of action will guarantee only sadness for both of them.
She may benefit from AlAnon or some other support group for families of alcoholics. You might also.
_________________________
tropsicle
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#107374 - 08/13/08 04:30 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: tropsicleAfter]
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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She did email a little later after I posted this thread and said that she talked to him on the phone and told him that if he did not get help then she would call a lawyer and split everything down the middle, even if that meant she'd get hardly anything. I also told her that he has to want to help himself and that if she insists he quit drinking, then she will have to quit, too, because he will not make it, otherwise. Another friend of mine suggested that my mom join Al-Anon. I think that's a good idea, too. My mom has been enabler for too long.
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107381 - 08/13/08 05:09 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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Piglet
Member
Registered: 01/22/08
Posts: 988
Loc: Cromwell, CT
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Eek! I'm sorry to hear this BF. I don't personally know of anyone who HASN'T been touched by some form of dependence. My ex-husband was addicted to pot. My dad's an alcoholic. Not so much now that he is older but still drinks on occasion. Fine line too from happy drunk to sloppy.
Trops is right. If she gives him the ultimatum, she's got to go through with it when she has too. I did. Best thing I ever did. My mother threw my father out when I was young. That was his wakeup call. She was more than ready to kick him to the curb. Happy ending though. They've been married for 47 years now. It's hard. Relationships are complicated. He has to want to quit. Maybe pushing him will be the motivator.
Good luck!
_________________________
Unapologetically me.
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#107408 - 08/13/08 06:37 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Piglet]
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whorn
Member
Registered: 01/17/08
Posts: 939
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BF,
Sorry to hear this. My ex husband was an alcoholic, and ultimately I divorced him as I could not handle it any longer. That was over 25 years ago, and at that time I did not receive much help from friends and such that I turned to regarding the problem. Some told me to go drinking with him, others said divorce him, etc. I spent years thinking that maybe I was the cause of his problem. Eventually I divorced him and ended the nightmare.
I think that I can give a little better advice than what I received 25 years ago. Tell your Mom to go to Alanon. All there are in the same boat, with a family member, loved one, friend, etc., who has the disease, and she will have a good support system no matter what ultimately happens.
It is a terrible disease to live with and I wish your Mom the very best. Please tell her to go to Alanon, it's a good step in the right direction.
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#107410 - 08/13/08 06:53 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: whorn]
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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I'm definitely pushing the Al-Anon issue. I think that's a great place to start. Like I said, she's been putting up with this for too long. I witnessed it firsthand when I lived in the same house. I'm 35 and I've watched him sneak it since I was in middleschool. This is old news to me. I'm just surprised that it took my mom this long to get to her "wits end." But I guess it had to happen eventually.
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107412 - 08/13/08 06:55 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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By the way, thanks to everybody and their input. It sure helps when others have gone through the same thing. Again, thanks, everybody!!
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107418 - 08/13/08 07:31 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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moaab
Member
Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 480
Loc: Chicagoland
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I'm so sorry, BF. My husband is an alcoholic. He started drinking when I was pregnant with my oldest child. As he continued it got worse. After 8-1/2 years of this nonsense, I finally gave him an ultimatum. It was scary with having an 8-year-old and 4-year-old, but I was done. I am very thankful that he quit drinking, went to rehab, and counselling. He has been sober for 2 years now and it has made a world of difference to have the man I married back. Now I have counselling for my daughter for the damage it caused her during those years.
I agree with Trops and Piglet. He needs rehab, counselling and AA. I was told by a counselor that if he doesn't like one AA meeting, keep going to others until he finds one where he feels comfortable.
Regardless of whether he does anything, I agree that Al-Anon is a great place to start for your mom. It could really help her not to feel alone and if she does decide to leave him, it is a great resource for starting over.
Best wishes to your mom, BF.
_________________________
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.........Abraham Lincoln's mother
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#107433 - 08/13/08 09:09 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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inkyfingers2
Member
Registered: 03/25/03
Posts: 617
Loc: southern California
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My empathies to you also.
When a naive 20 years old, I was swept off my feet by and married a man whom I knew drank, but I did not recognize alcoholism and thought it only a social event. After 2 months of very temperate drinking (1-2 beers a day), he went on his first big bender (2 six-packs a day), and that started a life of hell - drinking, violence, drunk driving, finding my car bumper crunched mysteriously one morning (he had no driver's license because of previous DUIs). I went to counseling, but this was before they understood the co-dependency and adult-children-of-alcoholics syndromes. He had convinced me that it was my fault that he drank. Counseling helped me, and eventually, after I filed for divorce, he went to several sessions with his own counselor, and joined me for joint sessions. However, it did not last. I proceeded with the divorce in the face of his continued drinking and violence, which was probably a lifestyle for him come from his parents.
I was lucky. I had not brought children into that mess, and we had only a small refrigerator as joint property.
Your mother may find it very painful to cleave her past life effectively in half, but she must be in charge of her own happiness. And that, in my experience, is more important than having a significant other.
_________________________
inkyfingers
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#107483 - 08/14/08 01:11 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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I was told by a counselor that if he doesn't like one AA meeting, keep going to others until he finds one where he feels comfortable.
I'm going to have to tell my mom this. She told me that my stepdad had gone to AA before but didn't like the "unsavory characters" there. I personally think it's just another excuse not to get help. He did, however, call his doctor yesterday and told her he was an alcoholic, so at least he's admitting he has a problem to somebody. My mom has also expressed a desire to go to Al-Anon, and I told her that I'd go with her if she didn't want to go alone.
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107484 - 08/14/08 01:13 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: inkyfingers2]
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Badfinger
Member
Registered: 11/07/07
Posts: 519
Loc: Grand Prairie, TX
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Your mother may find it very painful to cleave her past life effectively in half, but she must be in charge of her own happiness. And that, in my experience, is more important than having a significant other.
I totally agree, and my mom feels the same way.
_________________________
I've got something to say . . . . it's better to burn out than fade away.
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#107534 - 08/14/08 04:26 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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ahvasquez
Member
Registered: 02/07/03
Posts: 651
Loc: Texas
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I was told by a counselor that if he doesn't like one AA meeting, keep going to others until he finds one where he feels comfortable. I'm going to have to tell my mom this. She told me that my stepdad had gone to AA before but didn't like the "unsavory characters" there. I personally think it's just another excuse not to get help. He did, however, call his doctor yesterday and told her he was an alcoholic, so at least he's admitting he has a problem to somebody. My mom has also expressed a desire to go to Al-Anon, and I told her that I'd go with her if she didn't want to go alone.
All the best to your mom, and to you, BF! It's tough, I know.
_________________________
Anne
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#107573 - 08/14/08 08:45 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: ahvasquez]
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BlankKeys
Member
Registered: 04/09/08
Posts: 884
Loc: New York
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Daughter of an alcoholic here and I do feel your pain. Although my mom kicked my dad to the curb when I was 7, I saw enough before he went to leave a big impression. I have zero tolerance for drunks now. Saying a prayer for your mom - it was very kind of you to offer to go to Alanon with her. I'll bet she really appreciates your support.
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#107630 - 08/15/08 10:59 AM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: Badfinger]
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fostermama
Member
Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 964
Loc: Podunk
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I'm going to have to tell my mom this. She told me that my stepdad had gone to AA before but didn't like the "unsavory characters" there.
I would never discount the help that AA has provided a lot of people, but it doesn't work for everybody. You could Google "alternatives to AA" or something. There are other programs offered.
Like everyone on here has said, if he wants to quit, and doesn't like AA, he might be open to other options. Some people just don't know they are out there.
_________________________
Resistance is futile.
--Seven of Nine
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#107676 - 08/15/08 01:52 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: fostermama]
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moaab
Member
Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 480
Loc: Chicagoland
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Fostermama, you could be right, but I would be careful when choosing an alternative. My husband and I fell into the belief of Rational Recovery which espouses being able to drink socially after going to counselling. It began 8-1/2 years of hell for us. Any other program should focus on abstinence from drinking forever.
Just my humble opinion. 
_________________________
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.........Abraham Lincoln's mother
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#107684 - 08/15/08 02:08 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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fostermama
Member
Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 964
Loc: Podunk
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I would be careful when choosing an alternative. . .
I agree. However, I have seen people go in and out of AA and "treatment" for years and never stop drinking. If someone truly wants to quit and AA doesn't work for them, they should at least be aware that AA is not the only option.
I understand that was your personal experience, but I have also seen people get clean and sober, and stay that way, without ever setting foot in an AA meeting.
I don't have percentages or anything, but a large number of people are "forced" into rehab/AA by the law. Unless they truly want to quit, they won't, no matter what. Apparently, your husband didn't truly want to quit, at that particular time in his life.
_________________________
Resistance is futile.
--Seven of Nine
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#107713 - 08/15/08 05:39 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: fostermama]
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moaab
Member
Registered: 02/02/08
Posts: 480
Loc: Chicagoland
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Actually my husband was sober for 8 years and pretty emotionally healthy when I met him. He started drinking again on his 10-year anniversary. I heard from his counselor that it is common to backslide on milestone anniversaries. He does not like the AA meetings and he went for the first two months and then quit going. He has had no problem with his sobriety. When he decided to quit, that was it, he quit.
You're right that people do stay sober without going to AA at all. If they can make it through the DTs and are strong-willed enough they can do it on their own. Or, as you mentioned, there are other programs available. My point was that whatever program someone chooses, it should be abstinence-based. There are programs out there that lead an alcoholic to believe that one he gets treatment and understands why he drank, he will be able to go on to become a social drinker, which is almost impossible.
Edited by moaab (08/15/08 05:41 PM)
_________________________
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.........Abraham Lincoln's mother
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#107716 - 08/15/08 05:47 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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gigi1
Member
Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 202
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My ex-husband was an alcholic and it is painful all the way to the end. He died a very agonizing death of alcohol related chronic kidney disease; and even though we were not together, I looked after him the best I could, and also buried him on May 18, 2006. It was very painful for me. My whole life with and without him in one way or another was based on his alcholism. Good luck
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#107717 - 08/15/08 05:47 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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gigi1
Member
Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 202
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My ex-husband was an alcholic and it is painful all the way to the end. He died a very agonizing death of alcohol related chronic kidney disease; and even though we were not together, I looked after him the best I could, and also buried him on May 18, 2006. It was very painful for me. My whole life with and without him in one way or another was based on his alcholism. Good luck
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#107726 - 08/15/08 06:23 PM
Re: Need opinions; AA anyone?
[Re: moaab]
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fostermama
Member
Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 964
Loc: Podunk
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My point was that whatever program someone chooses, it should be abstinence-based.
I absolutely agree with you on that. What a cruel joke to tell an alcoholic/addict that they can drink or use again "some day". I doubt that particular program had much success.
Getting back to the original post, whether BF's Mom decides to stay or go, I think she should start putting her needs first. AlAnon, books and counseling about codependency and boundaries . . . working on her own coping skills. I guess it sounds cold but eventually you get to a point where you just have to let the chips fall where they may with the user. They will either sober up or die. And yea, it will surely break her heart but eventually she will start to heal.
She should be as selfish about her sanity as they are about their crutch. In my experience, they never did let much get in the way of their drinking or using.
ETA: My SO got his 7-year coin and ended up spending a week in the bar and well over a year on a bender, drinking like he had a death wish. He barely survived that backslide.
_________________________
Resistance is futile.
--Seven of Nine
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